Two things are true: kids want boundaries, and kids will inevitably push against the boundaries set for them. And, let’s be honest, some kids are good at pushing back on boundaries. It can feel exhausting to constantly feel like you’re in a power struggle. But, boundaries help kids feel safe, even if they’re initially resistant to them. Here are a few rules of thumb I use as a therapist and parent that ease the challenge of setting necessary boundaries:
1. Say it in 10 words or less
Most parents are very comfortable with verbal communication. Kids, however, are still learning how to use and understand words. Setting boundaries can easily turn into lecturing and arguing. Limiting yourself to 10 words or less helps you communicate clearly, simply, and quickly. It also helps you avoid stepping into a power struggle. When a child resists, argues, or pushes back against the boundary, you can simply repeat the same 10-word phrase rather than explain or reason.
2. Identify an alternative
Boundaries usually communicate what not to do. However, this can leave a kind of gap where kids are left to determine what they can do instead. When you set a boundary, provide some alternatives for your child. For example, Nerf guns are lots of fun, but require boundaries related to the appropriate spaces and targets. When you set limits about where your kids cannot use their Nerf guns, include the spaces and targets where they can. This way, you turn your “No” into a “Yes”, and reduce the opportunity for yet another power struggle.
3. Name their feelings
Behind every behaviour is a legitimate desire or feeling. Kids can become oppositional when they don’t feel this legitimate feeling or desire is understood. Identifying the underlying feeling puts you on the “same team” as them. It shows them you know what they want, and you see the feelings they experience. “You are feeling x…” or “You want to y…” does exactly this.
There is lots of opportunity to practice setting boundaries, which means lots of potential conflict. Reducing power struggles reduces conflict, which means you can spend more time enjoying the relationship you have with your child.
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