I often work with parents who are frustrated because their kids don’t explain how they’re feeling. This usually leads to a series of questions that produce unsatisfying answers…which leads to more questions, and so on. Questions can be a useful parenting tool, but it’s important to recognize their limitations. Today, I will cover 3 reasons why questions can be unhelpful. Next week, I will offer three alternatives to try instead.
Kids don’t verbalize their feelings
Kids go silent for two main reasons: they have not developed enough verbal skills to put words to their experiences OR the feeling/experience is overwhelming talk about directly. Questions do not give them access to these skills or regulation. They typically produce more overwhelm and confusion instead. Neither of these lead to the clarity you want. Kids incorporate other forms of communication like facial expressions, play, and body language to express their feelings.
Kids aren’t ready for the responsibility
Questions can feel like an alternative to rigid expectations. While the intention is good, the unintended consequence is that kids are given too much responsibility at one time. It’s okay that kids don’t necessarily get an option about their preference. They will likely not understand the long-term consequences of their choices.
Asking too many questions sends a message that you don’t really know what your kids want or need- and no parent wants to send that message. You may be waiting for your child to make a verbal request, while your child is trying to communicate with the methods available to them at their developmental level. No one gets what they want or need as a result. In the end, the relationship suffers.
Questions have their place, but are not always useful. Thankfully, they are not the only tool available to demonstrate understanding. Next week, we’ll look at three of these tools.
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