There’s an underlying assumption that questions give our kids more agency and control. Last week, however, we identified three limitations associated with asking questions. Like we said, questions are a tool with an appropriate time and place. Today, I’d like to share three other tools that can replace questions:
Verbalize your child’s feelings
When kids struggle to verbalize their feelings (either because they can’t or because they’re overwhelmed), you can verbalize for them. Doing this teaches the words associated with their experience. Kids often wear their heart on their sleeves, and express themselves without using any words. The next time your child feels something, make a statement instead of asking about it. “It looks like you’re feeling worried”, “your big voice is telling me you’re angry”, “You’re jumping up and down because you’re so excited!”. Your child learns what worry, anger, and excitement are, and can use these words the next time these feelings occur.
Use kind and firm statements
Questions can feel like a kinder way of setting expectations. No one wants to be the drill sergeant parent who constantly barks orders. But, setting a firm expectation is not the same as being harsh. Firm means the expectation doesn’t change. Kind is in your word choice, nonverbal expression, and tone of voice. Using a kind and firm statement gives a child clarity. It sets them up for success, and they are likely to feel confident about what’s required of them.
Difficult and complicated feelings are hard to discuss, even for adults. Kids often need time to process and regulate before they’re ready to discuss a difficult experience. As much as possible, if there are no safety concerns, respect this space. Asking them questions at this point will likely be frustrating for both of you. Expect to hear information in small doses, as your kids move toward and away from the difficult feelings. Eventually, you get all the information you need.
I hope you find these alternatives to questions useful. They can be modified as necessary to suit your unique needs. Overall, it’s important to diversify the parenting tools you use. Develop your use of these tools, and you will feel more resourced to manage the variety of experiences and challenges you face.
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